2023 WRAPPED: A tale of mighty surprises

2023, you've been like a sitcom with an unlimited budget for plot twists. From turning 50 and realizing my 'get up and go' got up and left, to navigating the high seas of entrepreneurship with a crew that's half genius, half... well, let's just say 'unique.'

Before I roll the credits on this year-long blooper reel, a special shoutout to Alex Garcia, the closest thing I have to a father figure. And by 'father figure,' I mean someone who offers advice like "maybe don't touch the electric fence" after I've already been fucking electrocuted.

You've taught me valuable life lessons, like how to fire a moronic director and the importance of not mixing stripes with plaid – fashion tips that have undoubtedly saved me from many a social faux pas. And let's not forget your uncanny ability to predict the outcome of my harebrained schemes with the accuracy of a weather forecast – "There's a 90% chance of 'I told you so' with a sprinkle of 'What were you thinking?'" You're the Dumbledore to my Harry Potter, if Dumbledore had a penchant for sarcastic quips and an impressive collection of dad jokes.

The drama department was helmed by my ex-girlfriend, the Duchess of Dubious Decisions, The Empress of Erratic Choices, the Queen of Questionable Judgments, the Baroness of Bad Calls and Mistress of Misguided Moves. She embarked on a romantic escapade with my friend's brother, a fellow whose idea of deep thoughts is pondering the mysteries of microwaveable meals. Their affair had all the subtlety of a foghorn in a library, turning my life into a reality show I never auditioned for. They say love is blind, but in this case, it was also deaf, dumb, and had a terrible sense of direction. I mean, my friend's brother? What was she thinking? "Let's keep it in the family but make it awkward," said no sane person ever.

Now, let's talk about my newfound hobby post-50: Googling health symptoms. It's like a treasure hunt, but instead of treasure, you find paranoia. Thanks to my diligent research on WebMD, mainly revolving around "chronic, incurable diseases whose first symptom is a headache," I've been awarded a merit badge. That's right, folks, I'm officially an honorary doctor, or at least that's what I tell myself to justify the hours spent diagnosing myself with rare diseases. Each search is a journey from "it's just a cold" to "I might be the first human case of a disease previously only found in exotic reptiles."

The highlight, or should I say the lowlight, was my 50th birthday bash, resembling a 'Where Are They Now?' episode of every 90s kid's favorite TV stars. The dance floor was a sight – a mix of nostalgic moves and subtle winces. It was less 'Saturday Night Fever' and more 'Sunday Morning Ibuprofen.' Picture a gaggle of middle-aged partygoers dancing like nobody's watching, mostly because everyone's too busy trying to remember if they took their multivitamins.

Amidst this emotional rollercoaster, I embarked on a thrilling venture with my business partner, a Harvard grad with the party spirit of a University of Colorado freshman. This guy can calculate complex algorithms but can't remember where he left his car keys.

This venture was like throwing darts blindfolded and somehow hitting the bullseye. We meshed technology and marketing with cinema and sprinkled in some venture capital magic, creating a business model so unique that even we're not entirely sure how it works. It's like if Silicon Valley had a baby with Hollywood, and then that baby was raised in a venture capitalist boot camp. We're disrupting industries like it's our job – mainly because it is. We're like the dynamic duo of disruption, if one half of the duo still can't figure out how to use his smartphone without accidentally calling his ex-wife. We mixed rocket science with rock 'n' roll – and somehow it works.

Then there's his impending fatherhood, a concept as reassuring as a squirrel performing heart surgery. He's gearing up for parenting with the same strategy he applies to deadlines – a blend of blind optimism and caffeine-fueled all-nighters. And I’m on the brink of becoming an 'uncle,' ready to impart wisdom on all things irresponsible and fun.

My three sons, the Triumvirate of Testosterone, continue to ensure that my life remains as predictable as a game of Russian roulette. They continue to bring zest to my life, much like how a jalapeño brings zest to a smoothie – unexpected and occasionally eye-watering. They're at that enchanting age where they're discovering life's great mysteries, like how to do laundry without shrinking everything to doll sizes. They provide constant entertainment, from their unique interpretations of 'cleaning their rooms' to their innovative excuses for needing money. They're navigating the maze of young adulthood with all the grace of newborn giraffes, providing endless entertainment and the occasional heartwarming moment.

And let's not forget my partners in Dallas. Describing them as 'lunatic honey badgers with a severe case of creativity' would be an understatement. These folks have the kind of wild, unbridled imagination that makes a brainstorming session feel like a safari in the land of insanity. They're the type of people who, if told to think outside the box, would dismantle the box, turn it into an art installation, and then sell it as an NFT. Working with them has been like trying to ride a rollercoaster while juggling flaming swords – exhilarating, terrifying, and utterly fantastic.

As this chaotic year draws to a close, I want to extend a massive thank you to everyone who's been part of this incredible journey. To my family, friends, and the ever-entertaining trio of sons – your love and laughter have been my anchor in the storm. To my business partner, the soon-to-be dad, and party animal extraordinaire – here's to our continued adventures in disrupting the norm. And to my brilliant, bonkers Dallas team – your creativity and relentless energy have been the spark in the darkness of the dull moments.

To my ex-girlfriend, if you’re out there, reading this: your taste in men is as questionable as your ethics, but thank you for the inspiration. I couldn’t have asked for a better muse for my midlife crisis. Cheers to you and whatever daytime TV drama and illegal ruse you’ve got yourself into now.

To Orlando – the Renaissance man of filmmaking and the Gandalf in my fellowship of the film set. Here's to more bizarre projects and your ever-patient guidance when I suggest things like, "What if the lead character is an alien, but also a cross-dressing accountant with mommy issues?" You light up our sets with the skill of someone who's definitely Googled "How not to electrocute everyone."

And, how could I forget to thank Greg Grunberg, the moral compass without a magnet. Grunny, your guidance is like using a GPS that occasionally sends you through a drive-thru – unexpected, often confusing, but somehow you end up with a treat. Your advice is as reliable as a weather forecast in the Sahara – not necessarily needed, but always entertaining. Thank you for being the lighthouse in the fog of my decision-making, even if that light sometimes flickers to the beat of its own drum.

And a huge shoutout to the fabulous team at Visit San Antonio. Crafting this love letter to a city as vibrant and multifaceted as San Antonio has been like trying to capture lightning in a bottle – electrifying, a bit of a wild ride, but ultimately a spectacular show. Your faith in us to weave this narrative tapestry has been both an honor and a hoot. It's been an adventure, akin to following a treasure map where X marks a city that sparkles with its own unique magic. So, here's to you, VSA, for being the compass in this journey, thanks for being the co-conspirators in this homage to a city that dances to its own rhythm.

And lastly, to all the unsung heroes of my everyday life – you know who you are. Your contributions to my year have been like hidden Easter eggs in a video game – unexpected, occasionally perplexing, but always adding to the overall experience.

And finally, to my future self – who I hope is reading this and chuckling, remember: if 2023 taught us anything, it's that life is a comedy, and we're all ad-libbing our lines.

Here's to A MIGHTY 2024 – may it be filled with laughter, light-hearted moments, and maybe a little less drama (but who am I kidding, bring it on). Cheers to the next chapter of this wonderfully wacky and MIGHTY JOURNEY!